For Widows Only Forum

I lost my husband in a hang gliding accident on 11/15/09. He had been working in FL for three weeks and wanted one chance to fly with his friend before they came home for Thanksgiving. I was at home in VT without him for the three weeks before he died. I still feel so angry at the sport itself and so terribly guilty that I did not stop him. I live with his family now, because I cannot maintain or afford to live alone in my house in rural VT. My family is doing their best to help me. I work part-time as an Internet tutor, but it will not be enough to support me once I find a place to live on my own. I am so lost and terrified of the future. I am trying to find my faith again, but have so many doubts. I cannot afford counseling. I do belong to a wonderful online support group. Thank you for the opportunity to post.

Hi Schuyler-Welcome to the For Widows only but sorry for the reason. I lost my husband Jim on 4/17/09 my youngest daughter's birthday. We were very happily married for 35 years. I have come to realize that when it is our time to die we will. Please don't blame the sport. Your loss is so new and I know I blamed everyone until I realized it was his time to die. That doesn't mean I didn't hurt and have all the pain that comes with grieving a husband. I have cried the great lakes and I cry everyday but now I know he is never coming back. I too am scared and lost but I have a plan if I don't get a job. I also bought a puppy three months into it and she is now 5 months old and I love her so. So does my old dog. My animals have helped me a lot to get through. Every day is a new day and an opportunity for us to learn to get along. It get's better but don't ever think that your love for him will ever die. Take it one day at a time or one minute at a time if you have to..and treasure the memories you had with him. A lot of people don't have good memories. If I can get through this I am sure you can. Oh and take good care of yourself-eat even if you don't want to, get as much sleep as you can....these things help you heal.

hi schuyler,
sorry to hear of your loss, that was unanticipated grief, and somewhat like some here have had to deal with a sudden car accident, heart attack, injury, etc.
so you are not alone.
widows need to talk to heal, and that is the best thing about fwo, you can come here and vent, talk, whatever, and we still accept you because we are all in the same boat.

as for faith,

griefshare.com has daily emails for support that you can sign up for, they may even have a group to join in your area if you post your zipcode, the cost is minimum of $15 for book to join,
and may help
stephens ministries may be at area churches if you inquire and they are usually lay people that help people cope with grief, they have 4 booklets for the first year of grief, at a cost of $10. that can be ordered online at stephens ministry.com

take it slow right now because this is so raw and new,
drink lots of bottled water, we tend to dehydrate from tears,
get lots of rest, take tylenol pm if you have trouble stleeping, it sounds like you have a good suport system by having others around you although sometimes that can work both ways, just be sure to get your privacy when you need it, okay..

I dont know how old you are, or how long you were married,
and want you to know you came to the right place,
and hope that you find the postings online helpful

for now just take one day at a time, sometimes ten minutes at a time, is all that can be handled, even some of us still go thru that when we have been at it longer, we have good days and bad days, normal process of grief...
god bless.

Thank you both so much. I guess I should have explained more. I am a young 58; we were married for 36 years. I do not have children. We had our share of marriage problems, but stayed together through it all. We were each other's shadow, and envied by other couples we knew. Looking back, I am not at all happy with how my life has gone: parents divorced when I was 7; lost my mother to cancer at 14; my husband's head injury in 1974 and life-long Aphasia; now a widow. He was the best part of my life. I really hate this new life and wake up most mornings wishing I didn't.

Hi Schuyler,

Glad you found us! We all share the same thing... and I think I can speak for everyone in saying NONE of us like it, but...not much we can do about it now except lean on each other to get through, and you will get through, that's something I do know for SURE.

Like the others said, it is hard, period, but not impossible. We are all just finding our way in this new way of life. The fact many of the ladies here have been at this longer than me, (just about 6 months for me) I feel blessed to draw strength from them and also comfort when they tell about things they are going through and it sounds just like me.

What you say and feel sounds so normal to me, maybe not a good normal right now, but normal considering the situation. It will and does get better, little by little.

I am 55 and actually I am also starting to feel renewed. I don't think that word explains exactly what I mean, but for lack of a better word having begun to see the streaks of light at the end of the tunnel on occasion, there have been moments when I can say I actually feel better than I thought I ever would again. I KNOW you will get there one day, too. It sounds like you have had a lot of twists and turns in the road of life, and sometimes we can look back at all that and know that if we made it through that, we will surely make it through this, all in time.

Please take care of yourself, come back often and let us know how you are doing, that way we help each other.

hi shuyler,
I was married 33 years, and lost my dad at age 3,
in fact when going thru griefshare, they asked how would
you explain your grief, I wrote continual
and actually forgot how many I had been thru
from my dad 3 days before my 3rd birthday, my one grampa
died when I was 5, then my grandmother on my dads side
when I was 19, my great aunt, when I was 30, my cousin
and cousin in law during the vietnam war , my grandmother
on my stepfathers side, my grandpa, my grandmother of my mom
an uncle, two aunts, another my stepfather, my father in law two years before my spouse, then my spouse...an adopted uncle,
but my spouse's has been the roughest to handle
mainly because of extended family members making it more difficult and the loss of financial stability, emotional security.

when I got done counting, I realized how much it all had been and that my spouse's was the hardest of all...