For Widows Only Forum

can anyone tell me how to deal sometimes?
okay I know my one sister in law is crazy so I accepted that
and I know my daughter and son in law were difficult
but only recently this is what I went thru:
I saw them at the parade with my grandkids , my son in law emailed me to join them, we sat outside my business with his folks and had a good time I thought, although my daughter did not hug me good bye, they left, I have not spoken, wrote, called, emailed, or facebooked since , and not much before as well, then I got on face book in nov, and my daughter refused to let me be a friend due to the fact we had a tumulous past,
I mentioned to her sister in law I am concerned over her grief,
still, and then went to their church site, and they had a formum ,I joined and posted an article about honoring mothers
by a christian author, my Pastor son in law wrote back saying he removed it from the site because he felt it applied directly to my daughter and him, and that he said they were not emailing me because of I have cosistiantly verbally abused them...
I do not know how that is possible when I rarely talk to them
at all ...he also said he heard from someone ( I think his sister) that I was concerned about my daughters grief, and that I did not have a right to be concerned about her at all.
so, I emailed the comments and article to his sister,
I am very tired of learning how to deal with all this stupidy
and the game "get the widow"
any suggestions are welcome.

Hi Griefkeeper
I am just wondering, if your son in law is a pastor, why would he hold such hostility towards you? Does he think, whatever you may have done to cause any of this, that it is God's way to be so unforgiving? I am just curious. Outside of murder, I cannot see why this is continuing. Are they that cold of people? If so, why is he a pastor? This is really confusing. They do not sound like God followers to me.

I don't think I would have the energy to do all you have done to try to bring this to an end. They sound very self righteous. If you would, fill me in. He should be talking the God's word, not his.

Take care and my thoughts are with you.
Darlene

hi darlene, thanks for your posting I need extra support right now, okay here goes:
he wasnt a pastor when they were dating, they dated in high school through church, my daughter has always been a follower not a leader, at least here, she got itimidated by our small town , we onced lived here, and she was born about 50 miles
away, but moved and came back, the girls in her grade then treated her like an outsider, one girl befriended her and she
was a pill, and spoiled, the first time I invited her up
she ruined the party I was giving by running across the road
we didnt go to her church until later in youth group time
by that time in the church it was taught not to date
so my daughter was the first to do so, as her parents we allowed
a dbl date , this was her future husband, while she was on the date and us at work , her 'friend " broke in to the house
got her diary and was going to burn it, I came home unexpectedly from work and found 2 bikes by the garage , recognized them but didnt understand with her on a date, my daughter came home crying
and told me, we tried to let her handle it, the girls shunned her for her asking to apologize to her parents, apparently breaking and entereing did not enter their minds, they had been
allowed to run in and out of homes because they were friends,
( her friend knew where we kept our keys) so they broke in past around her diary, and almost burned it, then shunned her for what she was asking..this went on until she showed me her yearbook telling her they were going to break in again and get her diary, I took it to church, the dad came up and asked forgiveness while she said it was a surprise party, I confronted
on that saying funny none of us was aware of the surprise,
and it was not a fun surprise at all, that was ignored.
so she still group dated, my husband was non confrontational
and pretty much she was daddys girl, He allowed the boy
to come with us on vacation and sleep in the room both my girls were in , something I did not like at all, she had gone with his parents, but I did not know what happened there...so
when she was 17 he tried to break up with her, to date others,
her car broke down, and she walked to where we were eating pizza,
she broke out in hives so bad, she couldnt walk, I kept her home for 5 days, her feet, hands were like water bubbles that puffy,
she had a stress level over the moon, I had to work with her counselor, who was concerned, she had to come home from
school ( they had cut her from basketball team for calling about a workshop the other friend told her late, and she got kept on the team, so it was a combo effect) I told her forget high school its not the beall, forget him, he will come back if he loves you, he did, she excelled in academics and won awards instead...and scholarships, in her first year of college
she was taking 2 years of college, in one scholarship,
biting my head off, I also could see the wedding wind blowing,
so wanted her to get a place on her own to spread her wings
I had married out of home-meanwhile her little invander friend had a fight with her dad, he found her necking with her boyfriend on the couch, so my 25th anniversary right, the
girls got us a cake, but then she took of to rescue this friend with her boyfriend moving her in to our house, I made her and her friend ride together up to our vacation spot ,and she got a full dose of the friends behaviork, so later said wow, I didnt know she was doing that ( her boyfriend thought she needed to be rescued, I told them to stay out of it, they learned the hard way)

and mentioned to her about getting an apartment from her ( this was during summer break and she was up at her grandmas cabin, but regualarly came home for food, money, gas, laundry for me to do) her grandmother who owned an apartment complex, next thing I knew
she brought a kitten from the dorm home, both her and her boyfriend, they watched it poop, my other daughter told me
and said mom they are so dumb, and I said yes, I had alot on my plate, my husbands career, my job with him, the house, a dog
a high schooler, and now a college with a dbl year, she had no job, no money, and no time, I mentioned it to her, she got in my face and called me a b----.. I almost slapped her, slapped the wall instead, her boyfriend took her to his house moving her out
saying he had to protect her from me, my husband should of put his foot down, instead he said lets put the cat in the back of the truck, he was pretty disgusted with both of them..
we had to pay for the dorm room and I wasnt suppose to come over, even though I paid for it, eventually I told my husband I am going to cancel the credit card payment if she doesnt allow it, and she can do it on her own..since she thinks her mom is abusive with her boyfriends help...well from there its the wedding , moving them, him graduating , not making it in the finace field and going into ministry, where we had to support them as well, and help them fix a bathroom on my husbands 3 days off , with 2jobs on top of it, plus move them again, and again,
and out to california, where they wanted us to come, I wanted to stay home, my husband caved in, and wouldnt tell them he had a heart flutter , I wanted to go get it checked out and he refused,ruining my vacation, they insisted we stay , well
they hadnt acclaimized to ca, where traffic is horrendous
I went to universal, they worried about feeding the dog
talking about poop on the way home, I hadnt eaten, said can we change the subject , they got lost, we didnt eat, and by the time
I had heard poop a million times,lost my apetite, next morning got up to get a yougurt, her husband wanted my husband to look
at sermom papers again ( seen them before )I was headed to our room not to happy, we were suppose to go to my moms, its a ll
no way in cal sat traffic, so went by with my yougurt, my husband asked where are you going , I said to eat, my sil
said whats your problem, I walked out, took a break, came back
my daughter held a mirror up to my face and said look how you look when your angry, they wanted a kid so bad after 7 years were parenting me, we went for a ride, I mentioned my dad
had been bipolar, we went home, no fluter from my husband
he refused to check it out, I got a letter from my son in law
pastor, stating I needed a complete mental check out in his
educated opinion, he had gone to a psychologist to talk about me
due to my mention of my bi-polar dad ( who was abusive)
stating I was like him( he died when I was 3)
then after my husband death my sister in law ( who is also a nut case) wanted to cut my husband shirts up, my son in law is friends with their son ( they are all unsaved-) they went to her house with the shirts and apparently discussed me, my son in law
brought up the cat with her, and has kept on it, it is this matter that I need a mental check up on in his opinion,
at one point he wanted my pastor ( a fellow seminarian- now no longer a pastor, he quit our church) and his senior pastor
and him and my daughter to powwow on recouncilation on the cat issue... so that is the hatred, I almost slapped my daughter
because of her nasty disrespectful attitude to me, about 10 years ago, kept the cat raised it for 5 until it disappered one day ( 34 cats disappeared and one dog) so that is it in a nutshell, now they must keep boundaries from me...so God help
she wont talk to her sister , and she says he's crazy mom
and she believes anything he says, whats scary is he believes
I am verbally abusive without even saying anything to them at all. they have a stephens ministry for grief,but this is beyound me.

I think the truth is that he is really insecure with my husband gone, and wants all her attention, they had just had a baby when he died, and that was enough of an attention getter for his wife
the last thing he needed is her mom as a widow, so I think he is doing it to get all her attention and keep it, he wants to cut her sister out of her life as well, and has stated to me
she my wife first , then your daughter..
and yes its a lot of self righteousness,
He then stated I must respect their boundaries
( at one point my daughter told me she and him were putting
up boundaries to protect my one year old grandson from me
even though I have never been alone with him or her...)

they planned the baptism a week after the baby was born,
my spouse and I went down, thats the night he died...
the baby was one week old...
as for the rest, I guess he is feels like she is his alone
I got told I had no right to be concerned about her

at the same time told me I was buying her love by giving her my moms present for my grandson that she had sent late for his birthday, plus I was told I should not come to the church retreat and see her speak, that wouldnt be a good idea...
its been a little like lala land dealing with her and up until now I put it down to grief, but with this new stuff
I realized how far gone he is and what he's done to her
Ihad bought gift for christmas but now am giving them away
and not giving them to them...I cant do this anymore.

after all this time I decided to seek some christian couseling on this matter, and the answer I got was to go on with my life and not to contact them anymore, the counselor also said they need the counseling and help, and are very unloving, unsuportive and that my daugher must not like me.
that last part hurt , I dont know why she doesnt like me
and for me I guess I never thought of liking my mom, I just love her as imperfect as she is, she was a young mom and under duress at times, and made lots of mistakes, but not once have i ever not thought of speaking to her, or treating her like my daughter and husband has treated me,we had our rough patches but gotten thru, and I wouldnt of missed it for the world, I still love my daughter but I feel she is gone with her dad, and in a way does not even honor her dads death, so I guess for now the door is closed, ( and anyway they stopped all form of communicating even when confronted, they can dish it out, just cant take it apparently)

seen online at a website: I 'm not perfect, but Jesus says I am to die for!

Hi Grief,
Sorry I didn't respond earlier. I was just wondering how you were doing not after time has passed a bit? Are you and your daughter speaking now and are you able to see your grandson? I sure hope so. I haven't read anything about any update on your situation, so I was just curious. Been praying for you and hoping your situation has gotten better.
Take care and god bless
Darlene

hi darlene
I took the advice and did not give a gift to my daughter or for my lil grandaughter in march ( brk my heart to do so but okay)
so since then lets see
my daughter saw me at target going in rest room and came in, Iwent out, and waited, she must of gone around to her group,
ther for a christian retreat, watchingme , then came over and got me , since she knows I have tunel vision, so this was a set up, then talked normal for maybe 20 minutes, of grandkids,
then said she wanted to recouncil ( funny I feel she could come up anytime and see me so we have to be formal) and that I have issues of my dad, the said she dint want to talk about it and went away in front of her group, so she is on center stage putin on an act, I went to my other daughter in the mall who said she
was glad it wasnt her that saw her , and did not want me upset and runin my bd. so I did get an email card from grandkids ( and when i mentioned their bds, I was told maybe I shud contribute to their college fund instead of presents- and I am a widow on limted funds as of his death- so) then got a mothers day email card, so Iguess she is emailin me now, guess thats a start but it like I told my one girlfrined, I dont know my grandkids and feel distanced by all this,
plus my other friend sent me a picture from the local rec mag of my grandson and his wonder ful dad fishin , kids pic, they could of sent it but I get it from a friend,
it doesnt seem to matter much as I may have to move sometime this year anyway...so i guess thats about it for now.

Grief,
I definitely believe that your daughter along the road will realize what she has done. When she sees that you have moved on no matter what and are not so focused on her anymore, she will come to miss you and have so many regrets of how she treated you. You are doing the right thing by not dwelling on her and her "whatever" husband. She is missing out so much by not having her mother in her life. You just cannot be a daughter to someone your whole life and not miss them when they are not there. Just keep doing what you have been and you will be the one that comes out on top. Good for you!

Take care and keep in touch.
Darlene
Also, I can see the change in you as I read your posts and see that you are living your life the best you can no matter what.