For Widows Only Forum

I try to live my life by the simple rule, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Since my husband passed away, I can tell you that people have said some the most stupid and ignorant things I have ever heard in my life. "How are you?" is just the tip of the iceberg. They pop out crap like "I know how you feel, my first cousins wife lost her nephew 8 years ago." My husband was a deacon for the last 7 years of his life so I also get the "he's in a better place" and "he's not suffering anymore" stuff that everyone thinks I have never heard before. I have even had "How much did you spend on the services and grave plot?" I called to take care of one of his bills and I wasn't on the account, I informed the representative of his passing and she literally said, "What happened to him?" trying to be polite without having to explain I said "He died" and she continued to interrogate me with "Yeah but he didn't just drop dead, what happened?" to which I had to reply, "As a matter of fact he pretty much did just drop dead, Give me your supervisor."
Is it just me that this happens to?

Good for you. I don't know why people think they have the right to ask some of the questions they do - morbid curiosity I think. Bob's cousin wrote me a card asking for all the details of his accident. They weren't very close and I chose to ignore it. I haven't heard from them since - and I count that as a blessing. I was also told that Bob was in a better place. I promptly replied "but I'm not, thank you very much" and walked away. I think we are a lot more sensitive to remarks and can't brush them off as easily. I also think there are a lot more horses rears than horses if you know what I mean!
On a brighter note, I have also received many kindnesses from friends and strangers alike.

I have a long list
starting with the funeral
from can I buy his golf cart
to I heard you had a fight with your husband before he died
( I dont know how you can fight saying honey, can we hire
someone to work on your moms floor instead of you doing it,
and he gets irrational and has a heart attack)

people are really uneducated and I like to say
god makes a lot of a=holes, but my friend says no
god makes people but they become a=holes with no minds
and all mouths, kind of like donkey he uses in the bible..

best reply I have heard is
really did you get that from my husbands mouth or yours?

griefkeeper

My husband just died 12 days ago and I am AMAZED at how insensitive people have been. From the man that bought an apartment building from us back in RI 8 years ago who called on my husbands cell phone and when I answered and I said I don't know if you;ve heard Gene passed away 2 days ago and he said "well I guess I'm screwed. I was calling to see if he could tell me where the septic tank is. I'm havng problems with it but I guess I'm screwed." and hung up on me; to one of my husband's ex race car competitors that showed up at my house the morning after Gene died to give me a deposit check on one of the race cars "so no one else would beat him out" (!), to a neighbor comparing my husbands death to their divorce from an abusive idiot they couldn't wait to get away from; to a guy that tried to tell me that Gene had told him he was giving him one of the race cars (ha); and a coworker who has begun to call me daily to ask How I'm doing? what is it like? Am i sleeping in the same bed he died in? etc. I was so stunned with their insensitivity I didn't say anything last week, but am determined to make a sarcastic comeback to the next person who approaches me with insensitivity to my loss. i think making them realize it's not ok to just say whatever comes to their cold minds.

I am one of the lucky ones because I've had only two occasions where someone said something that I labeled stupid. A very good friend tried to compare my husband's death to her husband leaving her for a younger woman. Sorry, but it doesn't compare. The other thing was said by the same person and it was, "Cheer up. Think of positive things." For that I wanted to smack her, even though I knew where she was coming from.

I am new member here, but a widow for more than 3 years now, and the stupid things people say always get to me ... still! Even now, when I think it shouldn't bother me any more!! Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one.

It will be two years for me on Feb.25th. Yesterday I was asked if it was a self pity thing that has kept me from moving on. WOW! that one took my breath away!

I guess the one that gets me the most is Are you Feeling Better? Feeling better like I was sick...grieving is not a disease. No I am not feeling better just learning to live without him which as we all know is not easy. If one more person says that to me I'll deck them!!!!!

My mom's favorite new question re: guy friends, my new boss, etc.

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

"Is he married?"

I have told her point blank I still feel married. Guess I'll have to tell her again.

I know she just wants me to be happy again, but it makes it kind of hard when my parent's opinions and making them happy has always been a big part of my life. Her wanting me to date again is just an expectation I will have to ignore for know.

bgk1758
I had that actually yelled at me at the 3mth point, I was answering a question at a pool for water arobics to two ladies next to me, they asked me how I hurt my knee, and told them
I had torn it out after my daughters wedding doing a walk arobics tape, its a torn mensci, the knees dehydrate with age, and pop, this popped twice and I had gone to ortho for it with him, at the 2nd week I had more pain, and popped again in bathroom one night, so he took me down, and we got told conservative measure, I was finally healing when his heart attack hit, and went up the stairs from outside the house, 3 at a time, and down with the phone and pills, to help him,
and reinjured it, my sis in law heard me talking to them and I said I reinjured it helping him, they said go get an mri,
but then she started yelling and screaming your using his death to fell sorry for yourself

I ignored her but found out later this was all iniated by my Pastor son in law,, on top of things..so great to have really compassionate family, I recently got told by a counselor that they are unloving and stay away from them until they respect my grief...

and I think that is the case when people say you are feeling sorry for yourself, my question to them would be: have you lost a wife or husband? if not, then I suggest you go study it awhile and come back and apologize to me for that insensitve remark...

hugs..