For Widows Only Forum

My husband was killed in a car accident on Dec 15th 2006, which I witnessed. I now have sever depression, PTSD, panic attacks, flashbacks. I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown for probably 2yrs and I am now, in the past year getting back on my feet. I don't want to die anymore, I am not jealous when I drive past a cemetary, and I have found a wonderful man who makes me happier than I have been in the years since my husband died. The thing is, I feel guilty for that. I told my husband that I would never be happy without him, he was my world and I would die with him if anything every happened to him. And in truth, part of me did die with him, but I am getting better. I will never be the same, but I am getting close to who I was before. And I feel guilty for that. I know Chris would want me to be happy, and I actually think he sent David to me for many reasons, but how do I stop the guilt? How do I stop remembering everything through Chris? How do I build a new life with another man. How do I be in love with someone else without feeling like it's a betrayal? Any advise or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

I have no advice or experience. Only that reading your post made me think I will be wondering the same things if I am ever in a position to love again. I only hope that I will be able to convince myself that my Chris would want me to be happy. I know I am made to love someone, I loved my man fiercly and it is so hard to not have someone to give my love to now. One thing I feel in my heart is that love and happiness can never be a betrayal. If our men truely loved us, they would want us to be happy.

I think your heart knows when you love someone , he will always be a part of you,
you did not go looking but got found,
and in finding you are maybe healing
as long as you are not rushing and taking your time
and getting to know the other person there is no guilt
in that,

I guess I dont have this experience yet, as mine is complicated grief,so am still leaning and learning
but you sound like you found someone who makes you feel whole again, able to breathe and enjoy moments and life
I dont think that God wants us not to enjoy life
I think he wants us to remember the love he provided in the first place, and if you are coming to a new relationship
where you have focosed on what you can give to the new relationship, not just what you can get, then you taken
a step forward, from mourning into joy.
here are a few from history, I guess of women I have
known about, that have impressed me ,
catherine marshall was married to a Preacher
called Peter Marshall, she actually was living in washington dc, and her husband presided over a church that senators attended,
he died suddendly , leaving her a widow, with a young son
and pretty much penniless, she went into writing, and has written many famous novels, Christy is one of them
which later became a movie, and then a tv show,
she married again to another man, and that was a succesful marriage as well.

the other one I know about it is Elizabeth Elliot
who i deeply admire, she was a missionary wife ,
who lost her spouse when he was killed by the tribe
they were trying to bring to christ, her husband
was Jim Elliot ( she wrote thru gates of splendor)
and she was one of several wifes and sudden widows,
left without a spouse, she eventually went back to tribe
to live with her children, along with another widow
as well, the tribe came to christ, and the men who murdered
her husband later baptised her daughter in faith,
as did nate saints children also,
later Elizabeth Elliot married a editor of guideposts
a christian magazine, he later died also ( she lost both
husband after only being married 3 years each to each)
after the death of her 2nd spouse, she took in borders
one married her daughter, the other married her,
so she is remarried again!

she is online if you want to type in her name
they are 2 of the examples of women who moved
on,
there are no guarentees in any relationship
except with God...
to be happy again, to risk love after loss
takes great courage, and the awareness that if you love
you can loose again, but maybe it is the fact that love always makes you feel that
its worth it in the end..
blessings.

I personally am very happy for you-a new love-different yes but someone who cares. Please don't feel guilty-your husband may very well have guided you to your new love. You are one of the few lucky women to have found love twice. You will always love your husband but that doesn't mean you can't love again.

Well the almost one year "new" relationship has turned into an engagement. I am very excited, but afraid at the same time. What if I start thinking about Chris during my wedding with David? David is so kind and understanding about how I still am about Chris, but I don't feel like that would be fair for him for me to be thinking about Chris during our wedding. Can I help it though. Won't it always be this way? I am in love with David and I know that, but my thoughts always go back to Chris in one way or another. I really need some support here. Can anyone chat with me about this?

If you are interested in speaking to other women who have been in just your situation, please let me know. Our Widow Match program connects widows with other widows for supportive on-line correspondence and there are several women in our program who are either re-married or engaged. We never stop loving someone who once made our world go round, but our hearts do yearn to love and be loved. I always think of my heart as an ever expanding and evolving center of love. When I love someone new my ability to love increases...no one is loved less because love begets love.

Wishing you much happiness. You may also want to check in on our blog www.widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com. There are lots of posts about loving two men at once!

Yours in hope,

Michele

Wow an engagement...lucky you! I think your Chris will always be there with you until you die...that certainly does not mean he doesn't want you to be happy with David. Remember love doesn't die just because his body died. Enjoy your new relationship and it is a blessing from God...I think your Chris is smiling for you. I hope someday to find someone as wonderful as my Jim and I know he would want me to.

Thank you all so much for your support. I would love to speak to other widows in my situation. Not sure how to access the widows match though. I will try again. Thank you all again. I really do need someone to talk to.

Congratulations Dracorn. I'm not sure if I want a man in my life again or not. A recent wedding invitation said "and guest". I pondered that, and finally sent it back with only my name.

I bought a small plaque that reads: Happy is the one who learns to bear what he can't change.

Many of my relatives have lived into their 80's and 90's. If I'm going to be on this earth another 20 or 30 years, I want to spend it being happy. I know miserable widows who never seem to smile, and don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable.

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty when I look around my apartment which totally reflects me. I want some summery 'back' pillows for my dining chairs. I'm considering some beautiful, feminine, white pillows with a huge flower printed on each. Not exactly a 'guy' thing. My white shower curtain has a red and black design with classy shoes, hats, and purses - also not a 'guy' thing.

I've enjoyed furnishing my apartment, buying some new clothes (some for to meet work dress code), and riding 'topless'(the car - not me) in my convertible. If a man enters my life, I can make changes accordingly. But, for now, I plan to enjoy my life as best I can. There are times when I wish my husband were here with me. But, if he were here, many of these things would be different.

I'm happy for any of us who are able to enjoy the life we have. I once wrote an article about a nurse practitioner who was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. After her double mastectomy, she used the time she had left by giving talks entitled "If life hands you lemons,tuck them in your bra". She illustrated her inspirational talks with a humorous greeting card showing a buxom blonde with lemons stuffed in her bra. She joked about her daughter dusting her shiny head one day when they were cleaning, and saying, "Well, mom, you said to dust all shiny areas". I admired her for using her time to make a difference in so many lives before she died. She lived with the things in her life that she couldn't change.

We all have days with tears. My grandson blew out his birthday candles last evening. Not present were his grandpa (my husband), a favorite uncle, and his other grandma who died on Good Friday. He (wisely) asked his mom to take pictures of him with each surviving grandparent and a great-grandma who has been moved to a nearby nursing home. I'm sure each of us was thinking of those who were gathered round that table two years ago, but were missing this year.

So Dracorn, enjoy this next phase in your life. I wish you eons of joy and happiness.

Ladybug

Congratulations Dracorn!

Your words struck me... "What if I start thinking about Chris during my wedding with David?"

The first thing that came to my mind was, he is marrying all of you which includes the part of Chris that will always be with you. That is who you are and what he fell in love with.

I speak only for myself, but I would not apologize for my thoughts or bringing my whole life and memories to my wedding day.

I wish you joy and happiness!