For Widows Only Forum

So I've read and heard that widows shouldn't date for at least a year after being widowed because it's like putting salt to a wound....y'all, after my first experience with a relationship since Danny, I have to AGREE!!!

I know very well this isn't for everyone, but this shout-out is for those who CAN relate.

I really thought I had something great going. But this guy lives 50 miles away and he's a slave to his job. He just cancelled ALL our plans to see each other this week with one fell swoop, and he especially dug it in when he cancelled our plans for this weekend (which is Dan's six months' gone and what would have been our 11th/12th anniversary on Sunday). I feel so completely abandoned and used, it's not even freakin' funny.

I really need SOMEONE to tell me that I'm not gonna be alone forever. I really NEED someone to tell me they love me...I guess that's what it all comes down to.

This whole disaster is just one long horror. I am firmly believing this is Hell. I can't imagine too much more going awry, even though it could get worse..far worse, I know.

No happiness on this particular thread.

1stcrush,

First of all, I know you are feeling really bad right now. I had one relationship since my husband's death. I recall vividly one day when he left to go somewhere and I thought "What if he doesn't return? How would I feel?" After examining my feelings, I remember thinking...."So what?"

Before I even got into the relationship I thought long and hard about how I would feel if I got dumped, and the truth of the matter is "The worst has already happened"....not much can top losing one's husband!

I know it isn't easy, but my advise to you is to take this experience and learn from it.

Recently, I wrote a list of the things I want in a man. And by golly, the next one will have all the qualities. I also read a book by Venus Catherine Andrecht, called "Certain Men". I found it helpful as I continue my journey as a single woman who doesn't want to be single forever, but doesn't want a big fat loser.

One thing in the book I found interesting, is the "Twenty Minute Rule".

"The nicest and the worst men all do this: In the first twenty minutes - give or take a date or two - every man will unintentionally tell you exactly what's wrong with him and what to watch out for. Even the man who specializes in emotional destruction with gullible women will inadvertently tell you exactly what you need to know to protect yourself from him in a relationship"

I have had fun with this as I have sifted through...oh...a few men I have met.

So, write your list, and stick with what is important to you. Someone will come along when the timing is right.

Take Care,
Ruth

Hey, Ruth.

Thanks for that post. Very creative, that 20 minute test!

Last night, Dave and I did talk quite seriously about this whole ordeal. We're still seeing each other, but he also understands that this was the worst possible week to cancel plans. I'm not sure how long this will last, but my theory is this: let it last as long as it'll ride, because when we are together I feel normal. I feel happy because I'm not obsessing over every minute of Dan's death.

I do love your approach about break-ups, though. The worst HAS happened. And I'm surviving it. "This too shall pass."

THANK YOU for reminding me of that.

I like the idea of the 20-minute rule. It's almost a year for me now, but I have no desire to find a man. I've had a couple guys "come on" to me - guys I knew way back in grade school - and it just felt weird. Even when I get this house sold, I really won't have much money, and I'd hate to have anyone think I'm after a man for his money. On the other hand, I'm not in a position to support anyone else.

I would like a friend or friends to enjoy doing things with, like a meal out, movie, coffee, or a day of shopping, a garden walk, or tour of homes, etc. I enjoy doing what I want when I want, but it gets lonely being alone ALL of the time. I've gotten to know a couple women who seem to be very set in their ways or have very negative attitudes - I am quite open-minded and can usually appreciate different points of view - so that hasn't encouraged me to spend more time with any of them.

As for the 20-minute rule, I think we often have a gut feeling about people that can serve us well. I need to read "Certain Men" and see what I can learn.

Ladybug

UPDATE:

So, if you've seen any of the other posts I've done today, you've heard the news that David and I broke up last night. We both have so much baggage from our losses, this relationship was doomed from the beginning.

I'm just brought back to -- am I destined to be without the bliss of being loved as hard as Danny loved me? Was he all I was granted for this lifetime?

The loneliness SUCKS!!

as a GUY....newly widowed.... and also new to this forum, in addition, it also looks like the only guy on here. i liked reading your post as to how you feel around the other man. i like how you posted wanting to feel loved, to hear it, to live it. its interesting to me the timeline givin on as new relationship after loseing our significant other. i personaly as a guy dont know what to do. at this point i just dont want to be lonely. i couldnt give my heart away, its broken. even if i looked for a friend, id be using that person just to fix the lonelyness. it would feel like a replacement. and i am sure that none of us out here ever wanted to think on the lines of replacement. anyway i am happy to read about how you feel around the other man, and that you want to feel loved. just so that you know......as a guy, someday i hope to feel those feelings again also.

Hi everone-When my dear mother died of ovarian cancer in 1979 I saw my poor father struggle with the same thing I am now-lonliness. His answer-find a woman. He remarried a little after a year of her death. Jim and I were there to tell him wait and take your time. He didn't listen. Well he has been married to his current wife for almost 30 years. He found love again but as he tells me it's different. I keep thinking what if it hadn't worked out? Well it did. Now how do I feel for another man again? I was fortunate enough to have one of the best. Guess if I find another man he really will take second place to Jim. But then I wouldn't be so lonely. I keep thinking-what man would want me?

Hi Cleodoggie, I am so sorry to hear about your Mother. 1979 doesn't seem so long ago for some reason.

You made the comment, what guy would want me. I realize we shouldn't be thinking that. Someone already did want us, it just didn't last long enough. I also ask myself who would want me. I have always prided myself as a very low maintenance, uncomplicated woman.

Now I feel like damaged goods.

To the gals who are asking themselves, "who would want me?" well, I was doing that as well and I did find a man who wanted me. (I'm 54) I didn't wait a year, meeting him was something that just happened when it did, and I decided it was worth giving it a try. I have been seeing him for about six months, we are taking things slowly (he is recovering from a divorce and well, you all know what I have been through since I am on this forum) and yes, it is very different to be seeing another man after being married for 30 years. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I have had a very good experience so far, and even if this doesn't work out I know now that I am capable of still being an attractive, interesting woman. I loved Frank dearly, but life does move on; and I guess I have made the decision to not live in the past. I believe Frank would want me to try and be happy. And whether or not that means a new man in my life, well I'll just wait and see.