For Widows Only Forum

More than once, the ladies on this board have commented on how hard the struggle associated with anticipating an event can be.

Once again, yup.

Next week would be our 19th wedding anniversary. Something tells me the actual day might not be as hard as the approach. But I really can’t figure out why my head and heart are in this place. I understood the funk leading up to Christmas, it is so “in your face”. But this week just sucks.

I am under this blanket of sadness. Tears are only a blink away. My focus is all over the map, and I cry myself to sleep. It has been 9 MONTHS! I really am not a weepy person except for a “certain time” every month. For the record, that never happened before D-Day. I have accepted this monthly fragility as the way it will probably be. But that isn’t my excuse this week.

I feel like if I just understood why this bottoming out happens maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. I really do not like this lack of control over my mood and feelings.

So, what are your thoughts? Why are the days leading up to an event so hard for some of us?

Is it because we think more about them?

Is it because we think the event will be harder than it will be?

Is it because someplace in our head and heart, we say it’s OK to be this way?

Is it another step to realizing reality?

Is it the wake up call to what we lost?

I really don’t know and I really do not like this. I wish I knew how to make it better. I am going to try by heading to Mexico this weekend and see if the sun can leach it out of me.

I am open to anything and any suggestions, anyone have a quick fix?

I imagine there are no quick fixes, Michelle.

I don't think there are any rhymes or reasons why "it" hits us as it does.

Nine months isn't much time and don't you think it would be odd if you weren't feeling some emotion about your anniversary?

It's all so much like a roller coaster, up one day and down the next.

You'll be OK. The day will come and go and you'll be able to say, "Phew, got through that one."

Enjoy Mexico!!

Marla
Husband Ron died July 31, 2009

Thanks Marla, yes, you are right. It would be wrong to not be feeling something. Patience just is not one of my virtues. I must admit, I wish there was a quick fix to get out of the sad.

I know this current funk will not last forever. I am just tired of feeling this way. It is ridiculous to rail against this process, but I do. It is ridiculous to think there is a schedule or time limit for this, but I do.

I guess while in Mexico I'll spend some time thinking about patience and acceptance. I have come a long way, but still have a long way to go.

Michelle-It seems you lost your hubby same day as mine. My anniversary came last August. I found memorials were a big help-a dozen red roses on his grave, a balloon release in our favorite spot and then I went to a casino we went to the year before and gambled for a while. I cried almost nonstop. But I did get through it. It would have been our 36 anniversary-he was with me on that day...just not in the way I would have liked.

Michelle, there is for some uncanny reason, a severe relapse at the nine month mark after a loss for many. Its happened enough that researchers write about it. It's call the "nine month since death syndrome". Ron died 2/12 and 11/12 was my first birthday without him. I went down the rabbit hole in a big way, and stayed there for several weeks. The concensus behind the research is that some go through this because it takes 9 nonth to grow a life and when we hit the nine month mark we realize that we have yet to create a new life for ourselves. I don't tend to think in terms of gestation because its never been part of my life so it was confusing to try to wrap my mind around this idea so I didn't. Instead I just looked at this period as wake up call for me to learn more about how this mourning process works, what I needed to do to regain a balance in my life and continue with the grief work I still had to do.
After the first year, I now think of them as my "fateful firsts", and yes I have named all 4 so far, I just expect some days to be harder then others and roll with it. I know nothing will ever be as bad as the night the phone rang and a nurse told me Ron was dead. If I got through that I can get through anything that gets thrown my way. About the same time this happened I had picked up two books at Broders, one intentional and one quite by accident. The first was one that several of the widows on the old FWO site had recomended and to be honest I read it and totaly didn't get it and at one point threw it accross the room. It is the book Seven Choices by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. It is the book now that I look for answers in and have read and reread many times and is probably the best book I've come across in the scores of them I've read. It deals not so much with the accute phase of grief but more the active grieving process and the choices we make and remake as we atempt to rebuild our lives. The second book turned out at the time to be a gift. It's called Awakening From Grief by John E. Welshons. It's about learning how to look at things differently and for some reason it left me feeling very hopeful and peaceful. I've over the years, recommended it to several friends that have experienced loss in their lives and all that read it took away something positive. I really thought I had blown $15 because the author I found out had degrees in religious studies and history of religions and I don't do religion. There is no secret teaching, no mysterious formulae in the book, just a different perspective on how we can look at the losses in our lives.
I wish I had a quick fix for all the widows that are hurting but I don't think that anyone or anything provides that. We all have to do our grief work ourselves.

Fran
Husband Ron died 2/12/06
Even if you have someone, or something else, steering your boat, you still have to do the rowing yourself.

Hi Michelle,
Today it has been 18 months since I loss my husband Don. I think you have the right idea in going to Mexico, I find for me anyway if I am not home on a day of something hard to deal with, I am much better off. So whenever possible I run away. On the first anniversary of Don's death I went to Las Vegas with my sister and brother in law and a girl friend. When the day actually arrived I was a mess but being somewhere other then here helped. I needed the distraction. That night I did'nt want to go back to the hotel room and cry and make everyone uncomfortable so I walked the strip in the rain by myself. I continued walking until after midnight and then I knew the day was over so I finally went back to the room. The next day was much easier. In february on the day before Valentine's day I am leaving for Florida with my daughter and her family. She has a 3 year old and we will be going to Disney world. So hopefully I won't be thinking of Valentine's Day and will be enjoying my grandaughter. I wish you peace and the strenght to carry on in the months ahead.
Gerri

Ahhh sunshine...I think I remember what that's like and I'm sure it will help! I think getting away is a grand idea, Michelle, good for you!

I too have developed extreme weepiness 2 to 3 days a month, which I first started noticing when Ron was diagnosed with cancer. It's like I can handle PMS or grief but not both at the same time. It really feels like weakness and I hate it!

I know we all expect "firsts" to be hard, especially significant events. And the anticipation can be as bad or worse than the actual day. But it seems there's no way out of that either, just part of the work of grieving. This stuff is not for sissies!!

Hang in there and have a margarita for me!

Mary

Thank you all so much. Just feeling connected helps. I really appreciate the understanding and advice.

I believe it’s Chris? I noticed earlier we lost our sweetie’s on the same day. I also am planning on taking out roses before I leave. Those were the flowers I had at my wedding. I think Fran might be on to something. I hope you are doing OK during our 9 month syndrome. Wish there was a vaccine for this.

Fran, I am not familiar with gestation either (except my own). We decided early that we would be better pet owners than parents. Life was just always so good, we really didn’t want anything to change.

I have tried a few books, but really haven’t dug in. This seems to be a wake up call for me as well. When I get back, I will pick up the ones you recommend. Thanks for the heads up about the lack of religion. I am not really into all that either.

Gerri, I specifically got a room with a balcony on the ocean. If I cry all day, then I can still enjoy the sun and water alone with a blotchy face and tissue. Or, maybe I will walk the beach! I turned down all my friends offers to join me because I really don’t know how I’ll be and didn’t want to feel like I had to be anywhere.

Mary, I must say, I am soooo glad to hear I am not the only one who has issues with PMS and grief. It took me 3-4 months to catch on (probably because my visitor skipped a few months). Of course that is another story, when I was peeing on a stick 2 months after his death not knowing what answer I wanted. Must of just been stress.

Everyone is correct though, this grieving is hard work. I already have a full time job and certainly didn’t want this one. If wishes were horses…

Anyway, thanks again to all of you. I will toast to all of the gals with my first marg (or beer, I don’t really do liquor well)

Cheers!