For Widows Only Forum

Hello, I'm Zoe, I have three children who are my reason for living but I'm so lonely, especially at night time when there all tucked up in bed.I lost my partner when I was three months pregnant with my third, he carrys his Dad's smile. My partner died of heart failure. I miss him so much it's been 14 months but it still feels like yesterday.
How can I keep going without him, the first time I met him was the 23rd and that's coming up plus we got together as an official couple on the new years eve. He was so perfect, he was everything my heart desired, to just be able to hold smell touch kiss or anything from him again would make my heart leap with joy, but all my heart does is bleed. I need him, just like a flower needs water to live.
My boys make me live this life, but I do want to live as much as I want to die.
Our little son is so happy bless him, he doesn't know the sadness that surrounds him but my eldest does, he informed me today that I wasn't the Mum he knew and he wished Dad would come back to make everything happy again. I don't want to drag our children though my grief but it's proving impossible not too.
I want to scream from the rooftops that lifes perfect my family is complete but it's never going to happen.
How can I exist in a world that no longer holds him?

Zoe, welcome to someplace no one would ever want to be, but are so glad we are. The support, love and understanding is unbelievable here. You will make so many new friends that you probably will never get to meet (unfortunatly) and you will create bonds of passion and hope with every posting. We all try to comment on anything so the person posting knows that there is someone out there who cares. All of us do care and our thoughts right now are with you and your family. Hold them close and let them know you love them.
Laurette

Zoe, I havent been on for a while so I am just catching up here. I am so sorry for your loss. Three children. It is very hard. I have 2 . How do I get thru it. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. My daughter on Christmas Eve asked me if there was really a Santa. I told her that Santa is magic and that when you stop believing in the magic, then there no longer is a Santa. I told her that I still believe in the magic. Very early the next morning , I found a note next to the fireplace. it was from my daughter to Santa. She asked that she be given no presents and that all she wanted was her Daddy back. Well, I cried. It was a difficult letter to read. I so want to believe in the magic, you know? So I believe in my husband and I believe he is watching us and helping in any way he can. I believe he will be my daughters Santa for as long as she believes and that he will always be mine.It is all I can do. Just believe.

Hang in there Zoe, we are all here for you.

nancy

nancy.....
that must have killed you...how very sweet tho, and so terribly sad.

oddly enough, that's exactly what i asked santa for too...he didn't bring tom back either. I'm afraid the magic is gone for me
michele

Zoe,

So sorry for your loss. I have one daughter and at times she has helped me heal (we won't mention the others). Know that you are not alone...and our support goes out to you and your family. I can only imagine how you felt when you saw that letter. My daughter asked God if He could bring Daddy back to stay with us...said that if God loves us He would know that she wants that...somehow I managed with this without destroying her spirit or spiritually (I hope) but kids will ask for them back (as do we). I told folks that the one thing I also wanted for Christmas was Skip, but that wasn't realistic in the regular realm...however considering all the "little things" that are going on around here, his spirit still is with us.

Val

Nancy,
I cried when I read about your daughter leaving the note for Santa. One reason that I am glad my children are so young, they don't have the mind capacity to think like that yet. I don't know if I could handle something like that. I am having a hard enough time handling things as it is. My son asks me to tell him about his daddy sometimes. Except that he doesn't want to hear about the fun things he and daddy did, he wants me to tell him about "daddy in the box". How can I talk about that?!?! Usually I just tell him that I don't want to talk about that and I tell him about the things he and daddy did. Then I just get sad again. My one year old says mama, but not dada. Why should she, though? It's not like he's any part of her life anymore. It's not like she'll ever know him. For Valentines Day, my son (4) came home with a Valentines card. It said "Happy Valentines Day mommy and daddy". It made me mad because the teacher knows that his daddy died. Why would she do that? And I know that it is months away, but what do I do when Fathers Day comes around? Just pretend it's another day? I don't think my antidepressants are doing anything...Maybe I just need to give them time...

Sorry I've been carrying on and on like this...Sunday's just seem to be harder on me. The one thing that Shane and I always made a point to do together is go to church. Now I don't even want to go sometimes. Because he can't go with me.

Well, I will stop now...thanks for listening...

Amanda Bruce

Zoe,
I understand about the being lonely when the kids go to bed. There are times that I will stay up and watch tv just so that I don't have to go to bed alone. Sometimes I entertain the idea of having somebody else to sleep with, but I know I could never do it because it's not Shane. It seems like there will never be any getting over the loneliness, the emptiness, the nothingness that I feel. It's like there is this huge black hole in my heart. I don't know how to make it go away. Antidepressants aren't doing it, I don't know what else to try.

So anyway, I understand where you are coming from. Last Friday marked the second month of my lonliness. The second month of my nothingness. The ladies here have shown me that it will get better...of only a little, it will get better. My suggestion to you...even if you don't feel like posting all the time, read. It helps to know that as alone as you feel, others feel the same way...so you're not all the way alone.

Amanda Bruce

hi amanda...

i don't take antidepressants, but my undersstanding is that they take a while to kick in, and many times the dosage has to be adjusted to get it right. I f you feel they aren't helping, please see your doctor.

meanwhile, i am so sorry for your pain...it must be so hard having little ones..my son is 14, and that's hard, but he can articulate everything, he knows what happaned..little ones like yours need special help. Asking about daddy in a box may be a way your son is sorting things out...it must be awful to hear, and certainly awful to talk about it..but maybe that's what he needs to talk about.
and, that teacher....did you talk to her? God..i hate the stupidity and thoughtlessness of people!! As for father's day....celebrate it...make it a day to remember daddy. As your kids grow up and realize more the loss, every little thing that you can do now to help them remember shane will be important.

anyway..i'm no psychologist...just learned a lot from this bb and other widows. I am, tho, pretty certain that you should talk to youyr dr. about the antidepressants..maybe the dosage just neds some adjusting...that may help.

hang in there,
michele

hello zoe,
you have gotten thru christmas by now and I just read your post.
How long were you married, I was married 33 years,
when I see your post I think of my mom, she was 25 when my dad died, and had 4 of us, but she married young also. She is 75 now, and remarried my stepfather , was married 35 years then lost him and is remarried again, just then past septemeber her house burned and she lost everything she owned, and now is resettled, thank goodness, and is finally getting electicity,
a computer , tv, etc and some normalcy ( she only had time to get out and save her life, even did not grab glasses that she needed to see with)
I felt kind of lost, after all of this due to fact loosing my husband etc...
but I read your post and saw that you have a bigger load to carry than I do with your 3 , especially being left pregnant
and with a newborn...do you have a support group around you,
like single parents, or mothers of preschoolers at your churches in your area? That might help with the responsibilty you have been left with, if not try online search on single parents group to help okay.
you said you had 3, what are there ages, maybe there are others here with the same ages, that you can compare notes with.
for now get rest when you can, take good care of yourself okay.
hugs.