For Widows Only Forum

Hello, This is the first time I'm writting. I was just wondering if any of you have the problem of sleeping in your bed. My husband passed away in the bedroom and even though I've made changes in the room, I still sleep in the extra bedroom. He just passed away on Oct 18th of this year, and I'm really having a hard time. We were only married for 8 years. He was 72 and I'm 63. Anyway he came home from work and said he had a headache and I got the icebag and had him lay down. I went to watch tv in the extra room and fell asleep. I heard him snorring about 12:30am, but left him alone and in the morning I found him. Oh, I miss him so much. I just want him to come and get me. I know I need to move forward, but I don't know how. Maybe someone can help me make it through this sad and lonely days and nights. My kids do not live close and I'm always alone. I still work part time and put on a pretty good show for the people I see at work, but when I get home, it's dark and quite. Have any of you gone to grief counselling?? Did it help??
Thanks to all who are willing to help me. Jill

welcome to the site...you are among a group of wonderful ladies who understand what you are feeling...know what you speak of without going through a long explanation...we get it....this is the most difficult time in our lives...i have learned from this site that no matter what your age is, no matter how long you were married, that the pain, sorrow, anger, sadness, is present...that confused state we find ourselves in is normal...you can say whatever you want here, get mad, ask questions, ask about how someone handled a certain situation...that is what is so great about this site...we understand completely...because we all belong to the same "club"...no one wants to be here...but thank God for this site...i suggest you read the posts...you will find inspiration in the words from the ladies...and somehow they magically help in some way that may surprise you....we are strong woman....everyone goes through the various steps of this journey in their way...because, it is each our own journey...no set pace...no set pattern...no right way...no wrong way...we each need to find our own path...i am so very sorry for your loss...this is all so new for you...it is difficult to sleep in the bed we shared with our loved ones...for me, in order to sleep where i would get the rest i needed, i asked myself, what would my husband want me to do? would he want me to not get my needed rest in order to function during the day? the other great thing about this site is, you can post anytime you want...anytime...and you can read here at anytime...we are all here to help...join us...thank you for sharing your story...hope to hear from you soon....God bless you and Take care.....Rlb

Hi Jill, so sorry for your loss. My husband passed sep 8 this year, Thanksgiving day was 11 weeks. I found the 1st 6 to 8 weeks completely agonizing and unbearable but it does get better little by little like everyone one says. Everyone does this differently. I found, like Rlb said, doing what I know my husband would want me to do helped. In fact, he was my only guide because I couldn't think for myself. When I finally could, I set small daily goals but didn't worry if I didn't make them. I didn't and still don't care much about anything except for making my husband proud and honoring him by trying to live well and do the best I can. I also keep a daily journal to write out my feelings and often include a letter to Jim in it. I hope some of this will help but know we are all here for your. Take 1 day at a time. Shelley

Welcome jill,
i can feel your pain i also lost my husband in our home, and it happened sept 18th, i find it hard at times, but i have been able to sleep in our bed, i did change things around in the room and for me it helped, i now sleep with two very special stuffed animals and his favorite pillow, its not the same but i feel close to him there and everyone has different feelings about these things , but they do change at times too and perhaps your just not ready to sleep there yet, you may feel differently after some time has past, the important thing is that you do what you have to do for yourself and get the rest you need to stay healthy and strong, you don't want to get sick on top of everything else right now if you can help it. we all handle things in different ways and we do he best we can day by day. just bcause you cannot sleep there now doesn't mean you never will, be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and i have not done grief counciling yet but am thinking about doing it, i want very much to get through this a healthy woman, i lost my first husband 10 years ago and now i find i still have feelings i'm not happy about from that experience, so i am going to try it this time and hope it helps. i find posting my feelings here helps me a lot, but i don't want to take chances with my health so i'm going to look into it, i don't see where it can hurt me to try it. the pain is still very fresh and new for you and i wish we could tell you what will help you, truth is different things work for different people, but many things help in different ways, all i know for sure is taking care of yourself is crucial and reading here , listening , and writing has helped me immencely, so share if and when you can. and know our prayers are with you hugssssssss.
Candi

Hi Jill,
I don't think sleep is something that comes easy for any of us in the beginning, no matter where we are trying to do it.
My Tom was a long haul trucker so I was used to him being gone for long stretches of time and sleeping by myself. When he was away I slept with ''grandpa dog'' , a stuffed animal he had as a child, and today I still do. I also do quite a bit of ''floor walking'' even today. Sometimes it just gets too be too much but most days and nights I'm ok. Time heals all things.

I did have to get rid of our sofa though.. WHen Tom was off the road, it was there that you saw him. Out from behind the wheel of his rig finally, he loved laying back and stretching his legs watching TV with the kids. A few days after he died, I drug it out on the back porch. It stayed there til my kids were convinced I really was gonna throw away a ''perfectly good couch"..and hauled it off... lol. the local mission loved me!

Lady

Hi Jill My Hubby died very suddenly in February of this year at home in our bedroom, I found it helped me by completely re-decorating the room, I then went on to re-decorating the whole house, it helped because I was so busy getting it all done, I miss him very much we had been together for a very long time, we were married for 44 years, and we had had a very happy marriage, since the day we married we had always worked together, so I really felt that I would let him down if I could not get thru this, he always said that I was a very strong person and had coped with a lot of things in the years that we had been together, I work part time and have found this does help, my way of coping is to keep my days very busy. Take care of yourself, I will remember you in my prayers. Gillian

Hello Jill...,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 23 years on April 23, 2005 so I'm also on this "road to recovery". He was my best friend, lover and even my caretaker. I had a different problem to deal with...Hal died in the hospital but in the week before he died I was busy making our bedroom into a "hospital room". The hospice had moved out our bed and most of the furniture to make room for the hospital bed, oxygen tanks, wheelchair access, etc. But, he died at 8:03 in the morning the day the ambulance was to deliver him home to die. He wanted to die at home and I was doing my best to help him with his last wish. So, after the doctor called and told me he died, there I was with a whole roomfull of equipment.

I slept on the couch for over two months trying to figure out what to do with the mess since I am disabled and can't move things around myself. So, I finally gave our antique bedroom set to my daughter and bought a whole new room of furniture, new carpet and redid the master bath. I put alot of the things he really cared about back in the "new" room but I knew he would be happy with what I had done as we were planning to redo it when he got sick. The new bed is a queen instead of a king so I wouldn't feel quite as alone and I do let the pups sleep with me which he never would. But they are comforting to me and I don't have to "sleep alone". Even tho they are bedhogs, ha!

So, you see we all face the exact same hurdles they are just different heights. You will find your way back to "your room" in time and only you will know when the time is right. There is no right or wrong thing to do when your world as you knew it falls apart. Eventually, things just seem to get a little better....days when you actually don't cry and then days when you actually laugh.

You have found a great board and we are so glad you have joined us. We will be here for you anytime and there are a lot of wonderful ladies here who will share with you, care for you and will always let you know they empathize with you and let you know you are never alone. Please post anytime with any thoughts that worry you or even if you just have a particularly bad day. Join us on chat and get to know everyone...it always lifts my spirits and makes my day.

Love and hugs,

Kari

Hi
My husband died early one morning in bed, although I did CPR on the floor and the ambulance and hospital machines kept him "alive" until the evening. I couldn't sleep anywhere, and certainly not in that room, for months.
I'm not sure how comforting this is, but like loss of appetite, it's actually astonishing how long you can go on for feeling like you're not sleeping at all - I don't know how it works, but somehow you shuffle on. When your body really needs sleep, you'll get a little. And when the fear has subsided inside you every time you lie down, you'll sleep for a little longer.
For me, there was some kind of mixture of
1)guilt, that if I slept I wouldn't be missing him and hurting, and that would be letting him down,
2)fear of dreaming about him - good things or bad things,
3)getting into bed would mean re-living the morning he died ... all sorts of things like that.
Eventually they have to be faced. Lying in the spare room all I did was picture my real bed, so in the end I would get up and move back to it, even if all I could do was sit on the edge and stare at the night sky hoping for answers, or just dawn. I had a really good grief counsellor, who I saw for about 8 months. When I stopped going he described to me that the right time to stop counselling is "not when everything is OK, because you will always miss Paul, and it will always hurt, and you'll always have bad days; but when more days than not, you can face getting up, opening the curtains, and making some kind of attempt at the day, you'll be alright." I found that really helpful.
I did re-decorate, when I felt ready, but mainly because we'd had the paint sitting around for ages so it felt like completing something we started together. I started off having lots and lots of mementoes and photos around the room, including his bible and his glasses, and the book he was half-way through reading. After 2 years it felt right to take some of those away. I still have a photo on each side of the bed, but that's all I need now. It's different for each of us, and it takes a long old time to get to each tiny step forward. Hang in there, please, and whatever feels right just give it a try. I tried all sorts (have to say nothing worked, but I would have felt worse for not trying!). I've just had my 30th birthday, and can't quite get my head round that my husband never will have his.

With prayers,
Sarah

Thanks so very much to all of you who wrote back to me . I appreciate all of you for opening up to me with the problems you've had. I'm making it one day at a time. The Thanksgiving Holiday was really bad. I was alone all four days. Sunday became a shower of tears. All day I spent crying. But on monday I felt a little better. I've read somewhere that "Tears are the bandage for the heart." So I think all the crying might have done some good. I've got to get ready for work now, but I will be back . This is very good for me. I like reading all the wonderful things everyone has to say about their beloved husbands. Bless all of you. Jillybean

Dear Jillybean,I lost my husband sept 4th and I feel like a kyte that someone let go of the string.And I am completely out of control.We were married 43 yrs.Everyone tells me it will get better.I pray they are right.The nights are long and lonely but even in a crowd of people I am still alone. So I take each day at a time.Still can't believe this happen.I always say things happen for a reason.I am new at this to and can,t offer much help except to let you know you are not alone.hugs sonoita4

Hi Jill,
Everybody has their own ways of reacting to and dealing with this widow stuff. As for me, I can't sleep anywhere else but in our bed. The two mutts and two cats have taken it upon themselves to take over his side of the bed at night. It's kind of sweet. They are warm and they great me in the morning with kisses....silly, huh.
Christy

Hi Jill,

Please beleive me when I tell you are 100% normal, it took me months to be able to be in my home (not just our bedroom). I have now managed to move myself and my two year old daughter back into our home but have really struggled with the bedroom. I'm 8 months pregnant and am also extremely uncomfortable physically as well as emotionally.

I have had grief counselling and am also currently seeing a pyschologist. I have to say that I am finding these of no help whatsoever at the moment. I had hoped to find they would be the miracle cure to this 'ailment',but I am slowing realising that there are no miracle cures to this. I've come to understand that the only thing that will cure me is my 35 year old husband coming back, and it's never going to happen so whats the use.

I lost my husband at the end of May and I have to say I feel that emotionally I am moving backwards not forwards. I am dreading the pending birth of our second child alone. I have no mother to fall back on. But I am trying to be as positive as I can manager, all days are tough but some are tougher than others. As people keep telling me 'time heals',I hope this is true I can't cope with feeling this alone, empty and down right frightened of a future without my caring, loving supportive husband by my side.

I am dreading my first christmas without him as I imagine you are too. Everywhere you turn there are images of happy families and loving couples all enjoying the festive season. Well it sucks big time, I want to shout and scream at them. How dare people be so happy and totally oblivious to our plights. Don't these morons realise that not everyone has the luxury of family and partners to share this holiday season with. Why can't advertisers and the like be more aware of this instead of rubbing salt into already painfull wounds!

I don't know if this is just me but I have started to really resent and almost hate, begrudge if you like the happiness of others. I was always so happy with my lot in life, I was never envious of what other people had - until now. Now everyone seems to have what I so desparately want back.

Am I sick or is this normal. I'm constantly snappy and on edge with people too.

I hope you manage to have as good a Christmas as you can manage Jill, I'll think of you.

Take care as best you can.

Ness

Dear Ness,
I have been thinking about you, and praying for you and your little girl. I can only imagine how hard this is on you, physically as well as emotionally. I am so very sorry for your loss. When you lose your husband, your whole world gets turned up side down. Nothing makes sense. The holidays are going to be hard on many of us widows. It is annoying, and is also a painful reminder to see all the Christmas commercials, adds, shoppers, all paired up, with happy families. It stinks! I have resigned myself to celebrating Christmas for my children, ages 10 & 12, we will celebrate the birth of Christ, his birth was OUR gift. As far as the usual joy, excitement we once felt about the holiday, it is definitely gone this year. I find myself resenting other peoples excitement. I can't imagine being 8 months pregnant, and a young mother and widow all at the same time. I am sure that the future is quite frightening. I will continue to pray for you. I wish there was some way I could help you. God Bless You.
Rainbow

NO! Eventhough he passed away on the floor of the basement, I sleep on the couch with the TV and lights on, and my chihuahua, Peanut under the covers with me. The TV is on day and night , just for the noise. Music makes me more depressed. I thought I was going nuts but someone (another widow)said she did the same thing, and her husband died in the hospital.

Do what makes you feel better, and don't worry what others think. You are entitled to your own thoughts.

Blessings,

CorriRose

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I won't repeat anything that the ladies have already said, just wanted to tell you that my husband passed away Jan.6 09, and I have never been able to sleep in our bed. I have been sleeping on the couch. I have no idea when I will be able to, but as of now, this is just what I do. Not sure why, could be I am also alone like you and I just don't feel right sleeping in our bed.

I hope it doesn't last that long for you but we just do what we need to.

Take care
Darlene

Also, I too have tv on day and night. We were married 38 years and I am having a hard time being alone.

each of us has a different situtation, for me it was comfort
I crawled into bed the first night alone, and cuddled,
I later rearranged the room, putting the dresser he knocked into and knocked candles off into the closet, he had marked it anyway
and yes I sleep in our bed, and also our bedroom, I sleep in the house that is paid for, but avoid the front yard, where he died,
I had to go in the post office where he worked to mail
packages and see his boss who mistreated him so much,
I had to work in our business in order to survive, in 2 weeks
after he died, that was the worse, it took alot of time
the worse night at the business was when 2 girls came in laughing
and saying their dad was pretending to be a postman and have
a heart attack in front of them, they didnt know about
my spouse being one, and having a heart attack, I went up
stairs in my office and cried for an hour...
and came down having to deal with the public, I am still in the town and have to deal with relatives that have mistreated me over his death...it goes on and on...
sometimes the bed feels good just to lay down, I know I will have to sell everything to survive, so I take it day at a time.

my husband died in our bed 12 days ago, and I take comfort sleeping in the bed we shared during our marriage. I refused teh hospital bed Hospice tried to talk me into repeatedly...I thought a hospital bed kind of defeated the purpose of dying at home, and thought if he got confused mentally from the medicine and tried to get out of bed but banged into the hospital bed rails it would panic him/make him feel caged.
gene had batteled cancer for 9 1/2 yrs (3 relapses after the intial) and just wanted to come home to die in peace and as events played out, i was able to honor his wish. I am SO greatful to God for that. I have his ashes in a wooden box urn next to my bed and slide my hand across its top as I pass by it in the morning and at bedtime. I think of: our grand daughter climbing into bed with us in the morning to kiss us good morning and he would lift her up in the air then lower her to his chest and hug her as he rocked her back and forth; our intimate moments; laughing at TV shows; and all the times we talked in bed before falling asleep and enjoyed being with each other at the end of the day. I was just wondering today how long a bed can last as I hope I never have to get rid of it...it makes me feel close to him.

I lost my husband 3yrs ago and I couldn't even step foot back in our home for months. I still don't live there, haven't spent the night since and I will not even move our bed to the house I live in now. Guess it's strange the things that really get us.

I lost my sweet husband Jim on 4/17/09 and he died in my daughter's bedroom in which we had a hospital bed set up. I slept in my own bed and lived in this house since. I figured he would never want me to be uncomfortable in my own home. I'm not. All the things and memories we had are here. Sometimes they are a comfort and sometimees they hurt. But this is home-where else would I go? I'll stay right here in my home and remember the love of my life.

My sweetie passed away sleeping next to me in our bed. During the shock of the first few weeks, I just simply went to bed - it didn't seemed a big deal. Once again, the numbness of shock can be a benefit sometimes. I am not certain what I would have done if I thought about it too much.

10 months into this, I still sleep on my side of the bed, something tells me that won't change.

This is my first post, just registered. Like you, I haven't been able to sleep in our bed. My husband died in November 2009; it will be 4 months in a few days. I sought grief counseling in January, and have been attending a grief support group for 5 weeks. Both have been very helpful; the former to help me deal with issues with my stepchildren, and the latter is wonderful because none of us needs to "explain" our current crazyness, and we all have a forum to speak and be understood.

When I tearfully told the group that I could fall asleep on the couch, with the tv on, but the minute my head hit our bed, I was wide awake again - my new friends, and the group facilitator, said - so sleep on the couch! So that is where my dog and I now sleep - good thing its a big couch!

I had to move from our house within days of my husband's funeral, in spite of the admonition to put off big decisions, like moving. Long story which I won't bore this list with, but I was lucky enough to find a condo in my daughter's building, and now I get to visit with her, my wonderful son-in-law, and 6 mth old granddaughter every day. A true blessing.

I'm hoping to connect with other widows in a 2nd (or 3rd?) marriage, who are having "issues" with husband's children. I thought we had a pretty good relationship, but within weeks, it became apparent that they no longer really considered me a legitimate family member. We were married for 4 years, very happily, and now I feel like I'm not only grieving my husband's death, but going through a divorce, complete with costly lawyers. Would love to hear how other widows have handled this situation?