For Widows Only Forum

I just found this forum today and I say "Thank God" I needed this forum because I was starting to think I would not make it through this. I just lost my husband on Dec. 13, 2009. So I am very newly widowed! My husband had a liver transplant in May 2006, but his liver cancer came back and went to his lungs. We got told that in March of 2008 and they said there was nothing they could do. I'm trying to type this as I cry...again, so bare with me if I make typos. I don't understand where everybody has gone. I mean when this all first happened people were all around, but since the burial of his ashes, it seems like nobody wants to help in any way. Even my sister said that she knew I was going to need her after going through all this time of taking care of my husband as he slowly died, but I haven't seen her since that day and she only lives a 20 min. drive from here. My son lives in the same small town as I do and yet I very rarely hear from him or his wife. What is this all about???? I sure could use help! I'm sure that people think that I should just be able to move right on along with my life, but many days, it's hard for me to just put my feet to the floor as I crawl out of my bed. I don't want to even go to the grocery store. I feel so depressed and my heart feels heavy. Has anybody else wondered where all the help is?

Hi-welcome. When my husband was sick I started to see fewer and fewer people visit him. The funeral was well attended and I had so many offers of help...just give me a call they said...oh, yeah right. The only people who came through for me were his best friend and my next door neighbor. It seems people are afraid of our tears and grief. They just don't get it. It really hasn't gotten any better in the 9 months since Jim has been gone except for the fact that I now pick up the phone and ask people for help. I do have to say I have been invited to dinner at various peoples houses but I must tell you I made a mistake at my friends house by almost breaking out in tears. The result was no more dinner invitations. Unless they have been through it people don't want to talk about it and that is what I found I needed to do to heal. I found a grief support group and have been going there for months and I just found another this week. It also helps to have widow friends-I have three. With your widow friends you can laugh and cry and compare notes and they are usually willing to do things with you. My advice to you-get on the phone and ask for help if you need it.

unfortunately we live in a fast food society, and we get the fall out from a death, right now for instance everyone is focosed on hatti and the death, most can see it on tv, but then go on with their lives, and dont relate, I am probably relating more because I have an uncle over there...
when death hits, its like a bad accident that has been witnessed
you are affected directly, I my self felt like a chain saw had come along and cut off half of my heart and I was left there bleeding but looking normal on the outside, most people can not see the inside, they attend the funeral, make promises, but
then go on with their lives, family support is essential,
its one of 2 things, one is it possible they are giving you space to grieve and leaving you alone so you can adjust and dont know you want them to come over or
and each of them is going through grief in their way, it sounds like yours are putting it on the back burner and going back to their "normal" lives and leaving you to handle your grief on your own, it is good you come here and have support. Since you are in early grief, the most important thing is you, right now.
Get lots of rest, take tylenol pm if you need to, for help with sleeping, its non addictive, if that doesnt work after awhile , get a prescription from the doctor for help, drink lots of bottled water, our tears dehydrate us...you are describing normal feelings of grief, the energy drain, most people do not realized this is the hardest thing you will ever do, and grief is work so it wears us out, your son may be going thru it in his own way as well, its just he does not live in your house and does not have the emptiness that you are facing for the first time ever. It is also possible they dont want to come to the house because it is a reminder of the loss, so an outside meeting place may be neccesary instead for quite a while, the year of firsts is here...and each one will cause a resurgance of grief work ...grief never goes away, it just changes...
its a journey and every person handles it differently because God made us unique indiviuals, others handle it better then some..but a widow usually understands a widow better, because we have had the same happen to us...that is what is good about
fwo...
here is a small article from through a season of grief, it can be gotten from barns and noble, amazon .com , online to order if you want , or check your local library for resouces, online is a good tool as well to search for articles on grief as well.
griefshare.com has daily emails to help, also can look to see if they have a support group in your area by typing in zipcode.
Stephens ministry.com has 4 booklets for $10, to help through the first year of grief...can order those at website, some churches have stephens ministries to help with grief also,
here are a few more resources besides annies book to check for:
when God and grief meet by liv eib, small booklet that I got from abby press online called grief, elf help, but may not be available they are going out of business online, but can check amazon.com, its only $4, and is useful..
some areas have be, I dont particuliarly like be, because I think it puts a demand on you right away to help others, when you have enough to deal with, my husbands cousin did not go until the 4 year mark, and runs it here, so I had a relative dealing with my spouses death as well, and it did not go well.
I dont want to make this too long so article will be posted below..

Societys response to grief:
Most of society when dealing with grief, puts in an appearance for appearance sake, a Keeping up of appearance so to speak,
as if appearing and showing a presence will make it all better somehow, minutely it makes them feel better to attempt to do something right and gives them a feeling of having done something good, but mainly they miss the point because they are not actually experiencing the instensity of grief that you may be experiencing, it is a loss in general and not personally taken, but impersonally, the fact remains that the main focos
will not be there. Its almost a glossing over effect, it is all tied up in a neat little package like a gift under the christmas tree, to make feel good feelings and having done the best they could...but life is not tidy and neat ( I think the earthquake is now proving that) The prentense may hinder your healing process for once the funeral is over, the loss is more intense,
while others simply go back to their lives, yours has been unalterably changed and can not go back to what was before.

you have made a good step in coming here recognizing you need support , and others are not doing that...
so the first thing is taking care of you, then doing research to help you through this, read the posts that help you,find other resources to help as well..take it very slowly and be very patient with yourselves, others do not realize the full impact of this journey and how it evolves ...one painful step at a time.

Hi, so sorry for your loss. My husband Ron died in 2006 while awaiting a kidney transplant so I understand how exhausted you are and how stressful being a caregiver can be. I really just wanted to be alone. I couldn't wait till one of my sisters flew home. Then the phone didn't stop ringing for several months and I felt like I was living under a microscope and everone was just waiting for me to fall apart and turn into a certafiable loon cause I had kept it together for many years of some really bad times.
Just be honest with your sis or your son and reach out to them and tell them how you are feeling. Unless they have lost what we have they really have no clue as to what this feels like. I stumbled across a web site called ezine.com and found somethings that helped me, I particularly like the writings of Linda Della Donna. She had a piece entitled For Widows Only What We Want/What We Don't Want and e-mailed it to friends and family.
I'm not sure if Greefkeeper is aware that there was a big Tylenol recall on the 16th of this month and Tylenol PM was on the list. I'm also not sure that most people are aware of the studies done about the damage that that particular over the counter drug can do to the liver after just taken as directed for just 4 days. My Dr. clued me in and told me there were plenty of other things on the market that are less risky if I need them. Just a heads up for any of us before we put any pharmaceuticls in our systems to check it out.
Fran

debshelton,
You're not alone. It's very hard in the beginning, but there is hope of a brighter day, please believe me. I lost my husband in August after a 10 year battle and I was his sole caregiver. We also experienced the decline of visitors as time went on, particularly at the end, but I have come to realize that unless someone has been through the same experience, and then even at that everyone is different, they really don't understand the magnitude of it all. I also try to remember that everyone's life is very busy and I can look back and see times when I should have been there for someone that suffered a loss similar to mine, but because I had not yet lived it, I had no idea of the impact it leaves with the surviving spouse/family. If you are close to your sister, call her and tell her you need her, the same with your son. It could be they don't know what to do and than many times end up doing nothing; in honestly, I have been guilty of that myself. Sometimes people, even our closest relatives, do not know how to handle our grief. In the meantime, come back here often and share your sorrow. It helps us and maybe we can help you feel better. Take care and know you are not alone.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died 10/10/09 at the age of 53 and I have been dis-connected from friends and family as well. Not my personality at all, just only want to be with those that understand. I think it is several reasons people back off. Not knowing what to say to us, feeling helpless etc. I have learned many lessons on the course of this journey and one I hope to take with me into the future is to always remember what I can really do to help those greiving. Being there, really there for them after friends and family have moved forward. Its hard and I am finding I am a different woman and that must be confusing for those that loved me once. Blessings, Debbie