For Widows Only Forum

9 months into this and I don't have to remind myself to breath. I haven't wallowed too far into self pity. But the "everything is still so hard" is really setting in. So I thought I would make a list, dwell a little and hopefully buck up. Feel free to add!

I hate it now that I have to:

Buy and change lightbulbs
Grocery shop
Arrange for a dog sitter everytime I leave town for work (almost every week)
Take out the trash... AND replace the bag
Vacumn
Decide by myself when I'm going to bed
Run errands (all of them)
Empty the dishwasher
Fill my windshield wiper fluid
Change my sheets alone
Warm up the bed
Let the dog out
Fill the dog's water bowl
Keep in touch with family
Shovel snow


Maybe the list isn't so bad now that I look at it. For some reason, the big events are hard and more emotional, but I feel like the little things chip away at my soul. Maybe it is part of reality setting in, I don't know.

I agree, Michelle, it's the million little things...

Laundry and ironing
Shoveling snow
Taking the garbage out to the curb (remembering it's "trash day")
Carting out remnants of the cat's feast from the garage
Solo parent-teacher conferences
Not being able to reach the spot on my back that itches
Being sick by myself
Decisions about repairs on the house

OK, that's enough, too depressing!

I became suddenly and violently ill this week, just a stomach bug, but it really made me yearn for my partner in "sickness and in health".

Mary

Hi Michelle you and I as everyone knows lost our hubbies on the same day. One of the hardest things I have had to do is get on Jim's John deere and cut our grass. I hate it but I do feel him with me when I do this. Also the snowblower scares me but if I have to I use it. Buying and lugging two 40 lb. bags of solar salt in is a real job. I put them at the top of the basement steps and roll them down-then open them and poor them into the water softener. Taking the cars in for maintenace is another job I just hate...some places have tried to get me to replace things I know are alright. See the widow coming, try to get more money I guess. These are just some of the things I now must do since Jim died.

how bout taking in the car to be fixed again, for the heater fan, after only fixing it 2 mths ago, and having to use his truck to ride in while its being fixed, and thinking of selling his truck and everytime you do, the car breaks down, ( does this mean he does not want me to sell it? if so this the5th time!)
the cleaning out for selling the business ( only not selling it again!)
the diswasher stuffing up and backing up repeatedly
forgetting to buy sewer stuff to put down the toilet,
changing the light in the hallway only to find that you cant reach the light fixture to put it back on,
taking the door off to move a computer desk in, only to find
the new desk does not fit, and then trying to put the door back on by yourself only to find you need another person to help
and waiting for someone to help
getting stuck in the driveway in soft snow and having to call your son in law when you rather your spouse was just here
getting calls asking for him after he has been gone almost 2 years, getting mail in his name still and throwing it away
shoveling snow off the porch front and back, going downtown every day making sure the sidewalk is shoveling in front of the business, and shoveling in the back exit of the business as well, putting salt down constantly to make sure people dont fall
having to vacumn the salt that comes in on peoples shoes into the business front rug
having the ice melt in the ice machine and having to get the wet dry vac to empty it, and then fill it with more ice since it stopped working and the company is not replacing it and thinking about ordering one, and getting the old one out and the new one in without help
calling the plumbers wife and trying to be nice because you think your plumber might be booked on monday, ask his wife to let you know if it is mon or tues without a hot water heater, being sick with a temp, waiting all day mon, getting no call,
and ask a friend for their number only not realizine you got the other plumber in town, and he books you right away, and you get the job done, only to have the other one show up 2 days later after the job is done, get mad at you, yell and say you dont appreciate them and still try to charge you even though they didnt do any work...or call you back ..because his wife put a note on his desk and you dont know what it said...\
having to deal with help not coming in when your busy
after they have been asked by the girl that does help
and they come in and just sit down instead of helping
and you say to them if I knew you were here you could of worked
after they have agreed to sub for the girl gone then having the other girls mom come in and telling you when you call wondering where she is for the next night..
having to do taxes by yourself

Forgot two things-when the toilet plugs up and I have to plunge it..and the worst one of all was cooking right after Jim died. He always loved my cooking and I cooked for him the week he was home before he died. For at least 4 months I could not cook...the memories of him eating his supper and then saying I guess I will keep you and that was high praise from him. I finally decided I could no longer eat Stouffer's mac and cheese and tv dinners so I finally am cooking again. There is no real joy in it. I know he would want me to take care of myself-so I now cook for myself.

Cleodoggie, you're a better woman than me. I still don't cook and pretty much only shop when I need Milkbones. Eventually I will have foraged through the entire cupboard. I think I still have a month or two left before I actually need to make a shopping list.

Michelle you made me laugh!! I need to do that more. Funny I buy more milk bones than anything else. Those two bassets are so spoiled!!!!!

I agree with a lot mentioned in the lists already posted -- some of the stuff I don't like to do (now that I'm alone) --

Cleaning out the litter boxes for the cats
Shopping by myself (grocery shopping especially)
Clearing away the snow after storms (especially the ones like this week's -- 23 inches' worth, for pity's sake!)
Taking the car to get tires
Taking the cats to the vet for shots, check-ups, or when they're ill (especially my oldest -- he's 16 years old and 23 pounds -- VERY hard to carry in his carrier all alone)
Eating all alone, and cooking just for one
Watching sports alone (like the Super Bowl and last year's World Series...I don't know as much about either as Mark did, but it was always fun to talk about the games afterward)
Still getting mail for him, asking for donations to charities, etc.

And so much more that I can't think of at the moment....

Diane in PA

Well after quite a few weeks of waiting and finally getting replacement filters for our water filter my Dad came over and the whole process began again...........couldn't find the right wrench to lossen it, then he kept telling me I had the wrong filters-although I ordered them online for our particular water filter....finally got it lose and then couldn't get new filter in the same way......ugggggggh. Well the filters in and my Dad who is 80 went home. I told my Dad to remember how he did that and he said yeah if I don't die-I am getting pretty old. Just what I didn't want to hear. So I started to cry see Jim that's why I need you, why did you leave me, I hope you are happy where you are and please be with me when I die.....Everything is so hard now....I put this at the top of my list of things I hate to do.

If I have to deal with 1 more stupid snow storm, I think I'll SCREAM. And yet guess what...we're due more stupid snow tomorrow. ARRRGH!!!!!

This winter was bad enough before all this. Now it's a bit of a nightmare. At least the snowblower is working again...I've got TWO keys for it now, one to use, and a spare just in case. And there's enough gasoline and oil to mix into it to keep me going until at least the end of tomorrow's storm. Hopefully.

WHY do I have to deal with all of this?! I'd move, but there's nowhere to live in this country that doesn't have its own problems (tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, and daily thunderstorms)....

Diane in PA

Join the club-we are due up to 16 inches of snow. I personally would rather put up with the snow than to deal with snakes scorpians and tarantula's they have in the southwest...all the snow is not a good atmosphere for those critters....

dianne , my best friend is in pa, and is trying to talk her spouse in staying at work and not coming home, I cant imagine that mess ! we keep going here, I got upset this last saturday, the roads were bad , I started out early , then called a friend who was going to come in and help me at my business to tell her not to come, her spouse brought her down, no one thinks of that about me running my business, that I have to drive all the time, that I no longer have him to drive when I am nervous!!! and her spouse sat in the car and waited for her, that made me feel worse
the girl who works for me is in a school play, so I recruited friends to help me on a busy weekend, I am so tired of this all,
today one of my daughters friends came in wanting a donation, I though oh great I get to donate and I cant even afford a new ice machine, have not sold the business or my house, and all because my spouse is gone, and they refused to hire for retirement, so others are retireing, and they took my spouse away, and I dont get to retire either, instead am doing all this and thinking of another job besides, I just wish I could change it somehow!!
but my friend came in, and we got nicer weather today for the first time since oct! sunshine and warmer and no wind and no snow for a whole day!!!thank you God....

I got my jeep back, it cost $400 to fix it again, and had been fixed twice at the end of the year, once for battery and then again for heat fan, now they replaced housing, they did not charge for risistor, but the rest, then forgot to do the oil change after it had sat there for a week, and did not charge, so now I have to go down and do this again!!! and another storm is coming in plus extreme cold this weekend, plus its valentine, and presidents day ( he would of had it off!!!)