For Widows Only Forum

1. There is no definate right or wrong way to go through grief,
the right way means "what usually works for you. Do not permit
anyone to push you into handling your grief there way, or by their standards. Grief is individual , not one size fits all.
do not permit anyone to persuade you that you are not grieving the right way - too fast, too emotional, not emotional enough,
too much or too controlled, your way is your way . You have the right to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. It is your journey, not theirs, you have the right to call all the shots in your journey.
2. All things your feel are normal. Be cognizant of what may be harmful to you personally, such as not being able to release grief in tears, or told not to cry.
3. Feeling sorry for yourself is allowed, your world has exploded and imploded, you are supposed to miss your spouse
and there is nothing wrong with that, dont let any one tell you that grief is merely feeling sorry for yourself. Your spouse has died and the loss is acute and painful, ingor insenitivity to your grief, and allow yourself tenderness as you would if you had a scar on your heart. Be patient with yourself when others are not. Show yourself tolerance for surviving a major milestone in your life, and give yourself credit for surviving.
Mistakes and misteps are permissible and are common, do not let anyone condemn you for your grief.
4. If there is a requirement number 3 might be it.

5. Focos on breathing . Due to shock and because it feels surreal and is, the widowed often subconsciencly hold their breath. Practice deep breathing techniques.
6. Practice tolerance of your emotions. Do things that bring you comfort in your grief. Be patient that is all new to you, and that you are experiencing a overload of emotions that may overwhelm you at times.
Grief is uncharted territory on a rough sea of emotions that requires time and patience.
give yourself pats on the backs for making it through.
7. Focus on getting through 5 minutes at a time, not a half hour or an hour or a day at a time. Grief can be overload,
and requires moments not long segments of time.
8. Drink plenty of bottled water. The process of grief
whether it is tears of talking to others takes a toll on hydration in our bodies, taking care of ourselves is number one
and drinking water is one way to do it.
9. Listen to what is best for you. Trust yourself to know what you can handle and what you can not, when you need and when you do not, your inner guidance system is the best check on balance.
10. You are not going crazy, grief has a way of making you feel that way and is a normal part of grief. You are not loosing your mind, even if others make you feel like it.

11. Find support that fits your needs, in couseling, grief share groups or with friends that are close or family if they are supportive.
12 . Ask for help when you need it, for the first time you are vulnerable and need all the help you can get, whether it is driving, or taking or asking questions it is okay, do not be too proud of asking for help or feel too needy in doing so.
You are a human being and are just showing it.
13. Sift though anything that helps on grief, to help you understand the process and what you may encounter. Knowledge is helpful in understanding your needs and putting them into words.
14. If you have a need to leave or excuse yourself for grief
do so, explain that you have a need to control your grief and have private moments by yourself until you recover your composure.
15. Dont make major decisions unless they are absoulutely neccessary and if you do invite someone you trust to talk it over with, someone that has your best intersts at heart.
16. Give yourself credit for surviving one of the most difficult things anyone can go through, it is not an understatement to say you have just been through a major life adjustment and it is life alterering in ways that are incomprehensible all at once,
give yourself lots of time to process grief. It will take time for any rational way of thinking to happen after grief,
and loss. Give yourself time for dispersing of personal belongings, do not let anyone rush you in this painful process,
it is for you alone to decide.

17. Remind yourself that Grief hurts so bad because you loved so deeply. The pain you feel is major not minor, far greater than anything you have possibly encourtered in your life up to this point. Grief pain has a purpose, it is a great educator.
There are many steps in a grief journey and you have just started, give yourself time for the journey, mini steps are the best not big steps but small. YOu can have steps and then stops, this is normal in the grieving process, grief is linear , rough not smooth, waves of grief may knock you down at different times, remember that is okay. The grief journey is not something that can end quickly, or go thru fast, it requires lots of time, and patience, you can not avoid it, cirucumvent it or go around it, you can only go through it. You must travel at your own pace,
and it is your own personal path and journey on the highway of life.
18. You may find it benificial to tell others your grief story,
telling is a way of healing , and mending. Going through details may express your feelings that are only on the surface, retelling may bring other details under the surface and heal you.
It takes time and acceptance of the loss to help heal.
Telling is one way of moving toward acceptance.
19. AT times grief may overwhelm you with memories of unpleasant thougths, if this happens try to replace them with happier memories to help you process and mend the hurt spots.
replacing them with a positive will become a habit after a while.
and will help in the mending.
20. Give yourself permisison to enjoy moments of joy.
or appreciate what you do have instead of what you do not,
treat yourself on special occasions rather then dwelling in the mire of loss.

21. Do not set a placesetting of guilt at your grief table.
Let yourself off the hook, looking back , reviewing what could of done, should of done, is a useless tasks of beratting yourself
for being human and acknowledge you did the best that you could under possible the worst circumstances you have ever encountered.
22. Break, large daunting tasks into smaller tasks, take breaks in between and give a reward for doing so well.
23. Journal your thoughts to help with the grieving process, a way of looking back on how far you have come.
24. Exercise when you have the energy, this produces endorphins for a natural mood lifter.
25. Eat chocolate or banana's for a natural mood lifter as well.
26. Realized grief effects you in all ways, physically, emotionally and spiritually, that it is natural and normal to be effected by loss. Grief can drain you physically so get lots of rest, if help is needed take tylenol pm . Do what you can to feel better in the process of grief.

27. talk about your spouse if you want to, even if no one approves of you doing so, it is your grief, and if that helps you heal do so.
28. Talk in the shower, on the phone or cell phone, write a letter to him , call a friend and tell them you need to talk of him for a limited time to relieve pressure, write an email ..if neccessary.
29. Do not be afraid to revisit memories , let them enfold you with pleasant surprises.
30. If is suits you allow the relationship with your spouse to continue in positive ways until you are ready to let go,
it is common to find your love deepen in the process of grief,
even it is not recipitated.
32. Set goals to be benificial, such as clean garage today, or mail off package, etc, small goals can make you feel accommplished and complement your ability to do well.
33. Be open to joy and laughter. Let laughter lighten your moods , find joy in small things.
34. Make time your friend not your enemy. Time help heals and gives you the neccesary tools in your grief tool box to make it through, give yourself as much time as you need to make your grief journey worthwhile.
35. Make lists of things to remember , our minds are distracted by grief, and lists posted somewhere will usually remind us when the distraction hits.
36. Carry a notepad in your purse for remembering things, or set one by your bedside to look at first thing in the morning or night as reminders.
37. Write down anything of help, prayers, songs, poems , etc
that helps you though.
38.Make a scrapbook on grief in memory of your loved one. favorite mementoes, personal notes, cards, etc can be relooked at on a regular basis to help through grief.
39. Plant a tree or a bush in memory.
40. On special occasions, buy yourself flowers, little gifts
to make the transistion easier.

41. Remember that grief is a transistion, and a season.
Give yourself credit for entering into this journey unexpectedly, and being able to go at your own pace in your own way, give yourself credit for everything well done, write it down if you like so you can read what you have accomplished .
42. Remember to have loved means to have been worthwhile.
Circle yourself with support that is positive and not negative.
43. Count the minutes not the days.
44. Continue to love yourself in special ways, tender thoughtful ways that remind you of your loved one loving you.
45. Change your enviorment to uplift your spirits, but keep a special place that holds things of value of your loved ones memories.
46. Reward yourself by enjoying a special show or going out to a special event or show for encourgement.
47. Try planning having people up once in a while to make it through , by a party or event close to your birthday or an occasion so that you can make it thru with a new memory to encourge yourself on this new journey.
48. Remember that a step forward is okay.
49. Remember that a step backwards is also okay.
50. Give yourself a hug a day.